After having Luca, I wasn’t sure I would have any other children. My pregnancy with him was tumultuous, put my health in serious danger, and it took me months to recover postpartum. An experience like that definitely makes you question why you would ever gamble having to go through such a life altering hardship again…Prefacing, I was young, I found myself pregnant unexpectedly, I wasn’t married, and I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t feel ready (side note: I now know from experience you never feel ready even when it’s “right” & what you want). Until you are sitting in a bathroom, anticipating the results of a pee saturated stick sitting there like a mystical crystal ball to determine your future, quite literally, that’s when it all becomes real. And then to actually see a positive pregnancy test sitting in front of you, having it all sink in, hands shaking, tears slowly streaming down your cheeks, knowing you are with child, replaying everything you had envisioned for your life, and how vividly different this may be in comparison, or how insanely it might align. All I could think was “Where do I go from here?” I was afraid to tell Miles. I was absolutely terrified of telling my dad. I had a mini panic attack. I suddenly felt extremely nauseous and couldn’t differentiate it from the morning sickness and the unnerving news I had just become acquainted with. I sat down on the edge of my bathtub, taking deep breaths and slowly drinking sips from a juice my friend had brought by. I began to reel my head, so far up in the clouds, back down to earth, and find the saneness I had momentarily lost there. This was real, not a test, this was my life. I’ve ‘diary’ed’ my entire pregnancy with Lu here on the blog which you can search & find in the archives. But to make a long story short, it all worked out as things often do. I married Miles. I was given more support than I could have ever dreamt of from both Miles and my family, post-shock factor, of course. And then I became a mom, and I only then knew a love different than I could have never known before. Luca was everything. It was a drastic evolution what occurred that July afternoon at 12:55. Miles and I morphed into two new people instantaneously. We had a moment together in that delivery room where we were both instantly changed, our hearts grew bigger than we knew possible, and we reaped something so much bigger than what we thought we had sewn. And sharing that moment together is something I will always treasure and hold very close to my heart.
For months to come I swore our family was complete (mostly plagued by the fear of what I had just gone through). I never really felt like I would have a one child family. I often fantasized in High School, and in my younger years while playing house, about having three boys of my own. I don’t know why I felt three was my number, or why they would be boys, but when you are young and your imagination can run free without any indication of what the actual duties and responsibilities of having children of your own are, your imagination has no inhibitions.
I was making peace with our family of three, until suddenly, right before Luca was about to turn two, I began to have a yearning for another baby. I felt so strongly about it, I couldn’t seem to ignore the inclination no matter how hard I tried. I suddenly wanted a sibling for Luca so badly it seemed to consume me. Our family wasn’t complete and I knew it. I felt so sure about becoming pregnant again, although I was still very afraid. A voice, deep within me, had spoken to me, and given me a peace that no matter the circumstances this pregnancy brought, I would be okay. And then like clockwork, nearly a month after Luca’s second birthday, I found out I was pregnant with our second baby.
This time was very different as I didn’t have the fear of the unknown, and I felt inherently “ready”–using that term lightly as I deemed it’s actuality earlier. My pregnancy came surprisingly easy in comparison to Lu’s, although not without it’s own unique set of challenges and hardships. I’m just going to come out and say it, I’m not good at being pregnant. Harlow’s coming into our world, again, changed all of us, including Luca, for the better and I cannot believe how unbelievably happy and content I am with having my two children. Not only does it feel like enough for me, but just right for me…….at least for now…(I’ll explain the “for now” part in a moment.)
As time has gone on, and Harlow has grown, he’s now 9 months old!!!! My goodness gracious, time is fleeting–I have begun to have a yearning for one last baby. I go back and forth about why I feel so strongly about this, and if I am even capable of this. After having Harlow, I didn’t feel certain about this being my last baby as I had once felt with Luca. As you can see, no feelings like these are ever permanent. I have this gut instinct that I am meant to have just one more. I don’t know how or why. Sometimes I feel like having two babies is incredibly difficult, and in other circumstances I feel like I have never been more sure of what I am doing. That’s the nature of motherhood, ain’t it so?
Anyway, I don’t feel ready for this final baby now and am still very unsure if he or she will ever be. I still have a lot of nurturing to devote to these early years of Harlow’s life, we are financially unstable and incapable of another baby at this point, also Miles’ energy capacity for children feels complete to him. I don’t know what the future holds for us, and something I am certain of is that I am not selfish. I would never bring another child into our world without the confidence of knowing we would be able to care and provide at the high standard we hold for our children or any future baby. I also care deeply about Miles and his feelings in regards to the matter. We are a partnership, in every sense of the word, after all. My heart may long for one more, and yet is also so certain that three is where the line is drawn. But it may also be drawn at two. Can you understand my uncertainty? I’m not sure I’m making any sense at this point. But for now I have two beautiful, healthy, baby boys, and I couldn’t be disappointed in any capacity. I am blessed and I know it. I love right where I am at this point with just two, and I couldn’t be any happier. I haven’t the slightest clue what lies ahead for me, for us, for our family. Maybe one day we’ll be a family of five, but maybe not. I don’t so much question as to how much joy a third baby would bring to this family of mine, I am already certain of the joy babies bring, but the joy, happiness, and peace of mind I already have and feel with just two is more than anyone could ever want or hope for in this life, and I’m good with that. I have been graced with enough, and I am beholden to that. What a beautiful life it is.